it's april 11th today.

Haven't written in a while. I've been almost bipolar in my moods lately, up and down, up and down. Trying to work on regulating that. I've also been getting some terrible migraines, but hopefully got a prescription that will help me with them.

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I met the man who has been my boyfriend for almost 9 months. It's weird. So much has gone on in my life since then, but it seems unbelievable that it would have been a year since that time.

School is of course eating my mind. I can't even type down how much I have to do before the end of the semester.

Summer plans look good and busy... babysitting Chris and Emi once a week, mentoring a few times a week, working with one of my favorite psychiatrists on developing a new health program for a local high school, volunteering as a suicide helpline counselor for The Trevor Project... and taking the weekends off. Why? Mainly because I will be out of town for at least 4 weekends this summer, undoubtedly more, and because The Trevor Project requires two whole weekends in June for training. So I might not be making too much money this summer, but at this point, if I get some good recommendations and experience out of it, I couldn't care less. And free weekends should mean more time with the boy... right?

Friend stuff is slightly drama as always. I count myself lucky to have them, but I'm so blessed to have the best friend of all, mah boo... no, but really. He's a life-saver at this point.

I'm registering for my last semester of my undergraduate career tomorrow afternoon... creeping myself out!

Well, we all know my life is weird. How's yours?

i can't believe it's almost april...

Everything has been going really well. I am still unreasonably stressed out about the various components of my life and I've been getting some bad migraines, but I'm also fairly happy. Jon and I are better than ever. I'm going to be working on course development with a psychiatrist I like in the fall. The class is on eating disorders, so I am pretty excited about that. As far as an internship this summer goes, I am still hoping that something will work out. If not, I will at least have volunteering as a suicide helpline counselor with The Trevor Project, which is something I'm looking forward to.

I'm helping Jon move to Plymouth, MA next weekend, so I am pretty excited about that. I will get to meet his roommates and he will get to meet my best friend and her boyfriend. And my mom is coming in a few weeks to meet him.

So there's just quite a lot going on, as usual, but I feel pretty good, unusually.

oh february

We had a snow day yesterday for basically the first time in NYU history... Nerd that I am, I was actually a little annoyed, given that they sent the email out sometime in the fifteen minutes it takes me to walk to class. So I got there in the blizzard and just... turned around. But I bought a log of herb brie and a loaf of Portuguese wheat on the way home and that made everything better. Jon and I had a big fight about the last two weeks of fighting and so I cried and watched things with the roomie and he made me drinks and there was cheese and my mom sent me Valentine's candy so it was okay.

And Jon and I made up. And he's coming in tomorrow night for the weekend and I am so excited! It's hard only seeing each other for a weekend every three weeks.

I'm still having a hard time finding an internship, but last night I had an idea that I think could be really cool. I applied to be a helpline counselor for The Trevor Project, which is like a suicide prevention hotline/non-profit organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youth, so hopefully that will be added to my involvements this summer.

Today I get to sit in (behind mirrors) on two family therapy sessions and write a paper on one, and I'm really excited :)

So everything is looking good for me right now. I'm not desperately behind in school anymore, all of a sudden. And I like three out of four of them. And my independent study is good, too.

Happy Valentine's Day! Jon and I are making a heart-shaped raspberry cheesecake (I know. Corny much?! He's really excited about it)

Yesterday I was stricken ill, as I am often wont to do, and tonight I am supposed to be on a bus to the boyfriend! What's a girl to do?! Well, luckily, my class got cancelled for this morning, so I did my laundry last night, went to bed at 11, and didn't get out of bed til quarter after 9. Now I am packing my little suitcase because bitch got things to do today! mainly being I am getting paid to take a mentee to the Tim Burton exhibit at the MoMA - chicka yeahhhhh. Then come home, pick up my suitcase, buy cold medicine and candy for when boyfriend and I watch Elf, go downtown for coffee with my writing professor whom I'm obsessed with, and back uptown to hop on the bus.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Pennsylvania! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy boyfriend! He says he is going to take care of me, as I am sickly. What a sweet boyfriend!

typical.

To-Do for Today:

Draft a 6 page term paper to be turned in tomorrow morning.

Sit through Social Psychology lecture, Divorce in America lecture, Perception recitation.

Go to work in Brooklyn.

Print out papers and fill out ones that require it.

Locate some office to turn the papers into.

Laundry.

To-Do for Tomorrow:

Turn in 6 page draft.

Go to silly Social Psychology recitation.

Turn in time sheet.

Turn in forms to office.

Laundry if didn't do Thursday.

Homework for Autism Spectrum Disorders and reading for Social Psych.

Bus to Pennsylvania at 5:30!

To-Do for the Weekend:

Be with the boyfriend!

Sleep!

Smile!

i'm the luckiest girl in the whole world and if i just keep working my ass off, everything will work out.

no more adventures for me.

Asshole Boyfriend wondered if me being madly in love with the bf would lead me to have less adventures and misdeeds. Sadly, yes, though my life is no less ridiculous, and the bf cannot claim full credit - I have also been (cue gasps) doing all of my homework and reading for the 4 psych classes, while working 18 hours a week and putting in two hours a week at a school for autistic children here in the city.

For instance... it's 7.10 right now. I've been up since 6, and reading the Stanley Milgram obedience study since 6.30. Coffee's been made, cookie dough's been nibbled at (I have to go grocery shopping today and get real food), zits have been covered in shit to dry them out (I swear it's like I'm growing a new cheekbone).

Some adventures I've undertaken: a decision not to go abroad next semester, since my mother got laid off a few weeks ago; a subsequent decision to locate an apartment that will be cheaper or around the same price as this piece-of-shit dorm, without the slovenly soccer-playing lesbian roommate or the bunkbed; new birth control (well, not that I was on birth control for a significant amount of time, but the first three months of yaz were hellish); the Snow Patrol concert last week (sheer musical bliss); copious amounts of psychology; oh yeah, and being crazy in love with a boy who lets me maintain my insanity, though I've abandoned my old partygirl self.

I'm not too upset with becoming one of the more boring of my friends: I don't drink as often or as much, quantity-wise, so I don't embarrass myself or get lost or fall down or vomit or become (too) hungover; I try to get enough sleep; I overcaffeinate; when in doubt, Regina Spektor.

YES!

July 7th - good enough! 

Here's the plan: I fly out to JFK, get in the evening of the 7th. During the 5-day week, I'll be living in my aunt and uncle's attic in Long Island and working probably three days a week babysitting the same boy I sit for during the year. On those three days, I'll probably take the train in to Manhattan in the morning, go the gym at school, shower there, maybe grab lunch with one of my friends or hang out in the park or something, and then make my way to Bensonhurst for the afternoon. On the other two days, I will probably stay at my aunt's house and help her with her kids, laundry, dishes, all that good stuff, just hang out. On the weekends, I will stay with a friend in the city and do the crazy stuff we kids like to do. This is also good because when Jon comes to visit (probably only once during the summer) we can crash at a friend's. My aunt and uncle would so not be down for me to bring a boy home to their attic. He would only come in once because obviously it's more optimal for him to be sleeping in my room, so we're not imposing on friends or whatever. I move in August 30th I think, and I will have my own room and be down the hall from my girlfriends in the 20shit Street dorm, and of course that's perfect for him to visit.

We've been talking a lot, still daily, and I swear, this whole long distance thing is the only thing wrong with us. Other than that, we are great, good, and glorious together.

Cannot wait to see all the kids! Oscar, Rachel, Abeer, Amy, Jenny, Liz, Ankit, Andrea, Matt, Jeff, Jake, Suzanne... and Jon :)

the golden state.

Well, that's it, I'm home. So far, it's good. My parents are really excited to see me. My mom bought me a 12-pack of Harp, my favourite favourite beer... though, she does not really know, due to various circumstances, I can only drink like... one per evening. That's fine. My dad wants to help me finish it. And my dad is making scallops and halibut for Mother's Day. Wondrous! 

I slept 12 hours last night. Wondrous!

Packing didn't go as optimally as planned. I had to leave a lot of stuff for Erica and her parents to throw out for me because I just didn't have room for all that stuff in my life... or in my suitcases. It's okay. Everything is going to be fine. I'm trying not to dwell on it.

I started reading Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs on the plane yesterday - I know, I'm years behind the times, but let's be realistic, when it first hit shelves in 2003, I was... oh, yeah, 14. I think I'm in love with Chuck Klosterman. No big deal.

I also have been researching some Clinical Psychology MA and Ph.D/PsyD programs in New York and Boston. I have found a few that I really like, Ph.D/PsyD-wise. A cool MA program is much easier to find. So far the schools that have both that I think would be a good fit are at the New School, Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, and Pace. MSPP has a concentration in Child, Adolescent, and Family Psychology, which is awesome. And Northeastern... they're not accredited yet and I think they only offer Counseling Psychology, but they also have a cool interdisciplinary thing on Early Intervention with kids with developmental disabilities... which is like my life's dream to do, so that's also something to look into.

I also have been trying (and thus far failing, but it hasn't even been one day) to find a job here in California. I don't need a job working with people with disabilities - I'm totally fine working at a coffee place. I just need regular work and regular income.

My mom and my sisters are going shopping. My sister is graduating from high school soon, so we all have to get dresses and blahblahblah. Actually, I'm fine on dresses... but I need a pair of flats, so I am just going for the shoes. 

in a nutshell.

My life: school, work, worrying about housing.

Today I skipped my second class to go get a cheesesteak with the cowboy. It was pretty fun, and it was my very first cheesesteak. We are going to go with Pat C. Hoy II, god among men, next week, so I guess that's another class missed. Oh well.

Registration went really well. I am taking a seminar on Autistic Spectrum Disorders that I am really excited about, a class called Divorce in America that looks very interesting, Perception (gag me with a wooden paddle), and Social Psychology. Big Psych semester ahead!

Work is going alright... especially knowing that there's only two weeks of it left before I take a break and get a summer job at home in (very fucking) sunny California. Supposedly it is insanely hot there right now, right as we are just ending rains, hopefully for the next two weeks at least! I am very excited about returning to babysitting Christopher and helping his mom out with the new baby, and about returning to JobPath, a company I can see myself working for for a long time.

Housing for next year is going to suck balls because NYU gives juniors the lowest housing status... so even though my time was today, my friends' time is tomorrow, and I want to try to at least live like next door to them, if not in their suite. I was hoping to be suitemates with Bit, but it looks like she is going to go to Madrid, so it is not to be. I don't really mind the idea of living with strangers much if the girls are down the hall or next door. This year, even though I lived with people I knew, these particular friends were way too far away, and I know I don't want that to happen again. Anyway, it looks like since we have such a late time, it is going to suck balls, but I am hoping we get into Lafayette (ironic statement of the week, anyone?).

I've been talking to the guy from the cowboy's party I hooked up with like every day, but I kind of don't think I will ever see him, even though we get along very well and make each other laugh and had great chemistry. He is graduating from Penn State in a few weeks and then going home to southwest PA to work and save some money so he can leave Pennsylvania. .... I fucking hate Pennsylvania, I've decided, as it is a very large barrier to me being with this kid. Ah well.

The best thing about going home is Camp Re-Creation. The second best thing is less stress. The third best thing is reuniting with some of my best friends, from Camp and from high school, and like one girl from grade school. The fourth is that my sister is going to college in the fall, probably UCLA, and I think my mom is going to let me teach her how to drink so she doesn't become one of those kids who goes to the hospital after their first party because they don't know their limit. Admittedly, I have only recently truly embraced "knowing my limit," but never have I had to go to the hospital or have my stomach pumped or anything. I want to teach her to play flipcup and to enjoy cheapass beer.

Last night my mom texted me to tell me a.) that she had just finished watching the Sex & the City movie and had informed my father that he would be making the two of us (read: me and my mom, not my mom and dad) cosmopolitans all summer, and b.) that she and my father were watching The Daily Show at the same time I was. Pretty fucking awesome. Kind of can't wait to chill out with my dad and drink a beer and watch The fucking Daily Show. I love Jon Stewart.

Speaking of beer, the last two nights of mine were spent remembering why Harp is my favourite fucking beer of all time... while I did my homework. 

sometimes i wish i was like mariella

I wish my Friday was a laid-back kind of day. I have both my jobs and there is quite a bit of rushing like insanity between them. Fuck the Brooklyn commute.

Jake, formerly the cowboy, and I are having coffee on Sunday, primarily to discuss that we are both assholes, I think. If you're reading this, I dropped the pseudonym (expletive expletive expletive). He thinks I am being cold towards him. I think, first of all, that I don't even know how to be cold, and also that typically I am a very affectionate friend and I didn't want him to mistake my platonic affection for continued I-want-to-fuck-you stuff that no longer exists. Anyway I am hoping that that will be a good conversation, since he and I talk like every day and so he is, kind of suddenly, a decently sized part of my social/school life that I would hate to lose due to misunderstanding. If he wasn't there, I would feel really alone in Pat C. Hoy's class. Pat C. Hoy is the teacher... he can't be my only friend in there, too.

Last night my friend Derek, whom I have known for 5 years or something insane like that, was home from school -- he lives on the Upper East Side -- and so we had a late dinner with delicious sangria at Curly's and then went to Urban Outfitters while Jake and I were text-message arguing and I cried while he was in the dressing room trying on overpriced hipster gear and then we came home and watched Saved! and had one drink each. He critically assessed my physical being and told me he thought I would "do better with women." Apparently I am not alone in thinking that I am extremely unattractive to men. Derek and Jake should meet. And then the two of them should meet awkward sign language guy and the animal handler. That would be interesting. I almost think that Derek and Jake would be very successful in convincing the other two that I am an unattractive, frigid cow, given as I have not slept with any of the four of them, much to the latter two's dismay.

Tonight my sign language class and I are going to get drunk at Blockheads and sign to each other and pretend to be deaf and I am pretty goddamned excited about it. I am coming straight from work so I am bringing a water bottle of the vino to work with me (relax... it is staying in my purse and only coming out for the hour long train ride from Brooklyn to midtown). And this is day 3 of no daytime drinking, going strong. I am reasserting my love of coffee until it gets dark.

Lately things have been going well. I kind of miss the simple days of elementary school when I never spoke to anyone except maybe my parents and the occasional teacher. Oh, and the librarian.

Listen to Kate Nash's song, "Mariella."

New favourite FML of all time:

Today, I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said, "Accio." Then I realized I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in real life and in public. FML.

I wish I was that person.

you're a very silly human, darling.

So I had no idea that anyone read this... except for you, my dear asshole boyfriend, and Carolyn sometimes, and Lisa when she is bored. So to anyone tuning in to this crazed rambling webpage, hello! You must also be insane! Greetings!

The JCH was good -- It was the last day of the "semester," with the new one starting up in like two weeks. We had some of the kids in the pool, so I didn't have to make awkward flirtacious smalltalk with the 15 year old because he had pool duty and I did not. Thank goodness. I get very creeped out with him now. He is far too damned knowledgeable... says the girl who was writing her own romance novels (aka softcore written porn) at age 15. But I was a virgin and stayed that way for another 3 and a half years, so it doesn't count. Anyway. I got to talk to one of the older girls, who is, ta-dah, not in high school, but goes to Fordham, and is probably in my grade. One of the girls took a picture of me with a child and looked at the picture and said, "Damn you are so white in all of these." I said, "Well, given that I am the whitest girl in America..." And she said, "I think it must be your hair." And so then I basically came out as a shiksa to all of the Jews when I said, "Well, I am Irish, you know... kind of comes with the territory." I swear some of them do believe that I am Jewish and I feel really awkward when I can only speak English and can't read Hebrew letters... One time, I put together a whole carpet with Hebrew letters on it... UPSIDE DOWN. It's absurdity. My boss gave me a nice letter saying thanks for being a volunteer, have a movie theater gift card. It's nice. I think I'll be able to come back next fall and eventually use her as a reference, which is great.

The other girls moved in tonight... but they didn't start even trying to move in until like, 5 pm, which I find odd, because they can't go to bed until they get all the shit off their beds. It's a disaster area in my house. There is one of those really annoying grey carts they give you to move your shit in and out still in my living room. It forms a barricade with the couch and the table (and boxes) so I just crept around it, closed myself in with my wine, and made a little When Harry Met Sally clubhouse. If I allow myself to sit through the whole thing, I can say with 100% certainty that I will end up happy. This is why when I am watching while wallowing, I cut it off at Sally's sad horrible line "I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize." Then I tend to go cry for about fifteen minutes. But tonight was a decent night, albeit a frighteningly embarrassing one -- what else is new? -- and so I got to finish and can now again attack my paper. 

Strangely that was a lot better than a night with the animal handler would have been... not that we don't have fun, because we do and it's nice, but it's very simple and not necessarily in a good way. I wouldn't consider even dating him, given that information, but for the fact that I heard someone say that the smart thing to do, in relationships, is to be with someone who likes you way more than you like him. Given that I am always then the stupid one in the relationship who really likes him a lot, while he has slightly more feelings for me than he does for, say, a piece of lint, I feel that this could be an interesting experiment. But it wouldn't be too annoying to date such a devoted man, given that he lives in New Jersey and it takes a long time to make the commute. So if I am going to dabble in dating someone I am not superattracted to, the animal handler is the way to go. Also, I miss people thinking I am smart. No one has any reason to, lately. I mean, let's be realistic: though I have a good heart, I'm neurotic, obsessive, ridiculous, and I seem to believe that wine is a breakfast food.

it's march.

Well, time fucking flies. I can't believe it's March. I am going to Ohio to work in homeless shelters in like, two weeks, apparently, and school will be out in like.... two months. Fuck.

Everything has been insane as usual. The cowboy informed me on Thursday that he cares about me as a friend and doesn't want to have sex with me because it would be just sex, with no love or anything. Bastard. I hate being cared about as a friend. He also likes to end our conversations by saying "take care of yourself." Try not to patronize me, sir, because I will really kick your ass. Anyway, I am over it legitimately by now (Sunday). Really. I am way too busy with other stuff to think about cowboys.

The mom I babysit for told me that she is pregnant! So in the fall when I come back I will get to still sit for Chris and help out with the new baby. I am so excited. I love babies. This mom also has the coolest tattoo ever - I want it. It is the multi-coloured puzzle piece that is basically the logo for anything related to autism. I really really like it.

Erica had friends stay over Friday. They were really funny boys. That was fun. That night my friend Jeff and I went to my other friend Jeff's birthday celebration at this gay bar downtown, Urge. That was... ridiculous. We didn't stay too long because my friend left without us seeing him so suddenly it was like, oh... okay... you're not here anymore... The go-go dancers were hilarious.

Erica had to move back into my (our) bedroom yesterday because we are getting new suitemates, Christea and Samantha. Today we are essentially waiting for them to move in... and have been for an hour. They can move in any time after 10 today. I hope that they come before I have to go volunteer in Brooklyn... especially because the animal handler is maybe coming over tonight (yeah, I know, I decided AGAIN that maybs I will give him a shot) because his birthday (the big 2-6) is on Tuesday. Anyway, I don't want to JUST meet them and then be like, oh this animal handler is coming over for a while... no big... I hope that they are not bitches.

It is 11 AM and I am considering a glass of wine. Embarrassing.

All of my friends seem to be really fucked up right now and I kind of worry on a reg basis about a lot of them. So that's a bummer. Apparently people worry about me on a reg basis, too, though, so whatever.

thursday afternoon.

A glass of chardonnay with salt and vinegar potato chips. I have to go to work in about 45 minutes, but it will take an hour to get there, so I'm not sweating it.

The test wasn't awesome. Some of the questions were worded... well, badly. This wounded me. Normally on psychology exams, I am having the time of my life (really). Picture a puppy, exuberantly bounding over a grassy knoll in like, a meadow. That's me in a good test. This test was like the opposite. It wasn't that it was unduly difficult or that I wasn't prepared. It was just the wording and it pissed me off.

For the first time in my writing class, though, being a psychology major instead of an English/Lit./art major paid off. A girl was trying to use psychological theory to talk about the violent youth in some country in South America that I can't recall... maybe Brazil. But it was pretty clear that she didn't really know the theory, and she didn't mention any of the psychological disorders that we associate with criminality, like oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. It felt nice to be able to point her in a direction that she could do some research in to fill out her essay... mostly because she thought what I was saying was interesting and not assholey, which again, was nice.

Blah blah blah work work work weekend officially starts Friday night when Christopher's mom gets home. I might be going to a surprise party at a bar in Brooklyn that my friend, who is turning 32, is throwing for himself. I need someone who is either 21 or has ID to go with me though because it's in a far-away area of the BK and I need to make sure that I get home okay. Blech I don't think the cowboy has ID. Bastard.

still tired after a night of sleep.

Yesterday highlighted to me that my life is kind of insane. After Tumnus and I went to bed at 6, I was like... awake. At 8:30. I got up, had water, lay back down, guzzled more water, went and talked to Erica around 10... you get the picture. I woke him up at 10:45 because I wanted to clean my room and do some homework and shower and stuff and not have him wake up and be like, what the fuck. But then he wasn't ready to wake up -- because he is a normal human being and also went to bed at 6 -- so I let him nap while I took a shower. Then when he left he kissed me goodbye and said I would hear from him soon. I was like, okay.

Anyway that's not the important part. The important part is the part about how I cleaned my apartment and tried to read my book on prescribing medicine for children with psychiatric disorders for my treatment class and drank coffee and before I knew it, it was 2:30 and time to go to Brooklyn to have my ass kicked. Chris did totally kick my ass yesterday, as he did on Thursday, but in a different way. Whereas Thursday was very emotional for him, yesterday he was just trying to fuck with me. Cute, but annoying, after a few hours. I took him to Barnes & Noble, or rather, he took me, and it was really crowded with parents and really small kids. Chris is like 10. He's a tall kid. And I am a short girl. He kept doing this thing -- until I caught on -- where he would break free of holding my hand and RUN, usually running into or over some person in the process.

The bathroom was the most ridiculous part. He needs my help in the bathroom. Were I to have a choice to take him anywhere, even though he is an older child, it would be the women's bathroom. Both times he needed to go, however, apparently it was such an emergency that he found it necessary to run breakneck (yes, I had a horse phase when I was a little girl) into the men's room and straight into a stall. Would this have been my choice of venue? Not really, but whatever. Fine, I'm mature enough to go into the men's room with you. I don't really give a fuck about what men look like when they're peeing. Anyway, so I am clearly with him, holding the door of the stall closed for him, and he has just started going number two. This middle-aged man walks in, gives me this horrified look, and I'm like, "Sorry, I'm babysitting and I have to help him." He's like, "That's quite alright," and turns around and goes and waits outside this bathroom that has an empty stall and two urinals. Someone apparently asks him why he's waiting or if there's a long line or something because I hear him respond, "There's a woman in there." 

At this point, I have figured out that Chris is going to be a while. We are going to be in this restroom for another 7 minutes, approximately. I say to the guy, "Look, he's going to be a while. There is no real sense in you waiting for him to be done. I don't know what you think is going to happen if you use the bathroom while I am here, but I would stop worrying about it and just go for it." The looks I got when I had to go into the stall and wipe this kid's ass were unbelievable. I hate men.

When I got home at 9 pm last night, I watched an episode of The Office, set my alarm for 8, and went straight to bed. I would have let myself totally sleep it off, but I have shit to do. The laundry's in the wash, the coffee's on, I have a bed to make, groceries to buy, laundry to later fold and hang up, huge amounts of homework to attempt, videos to drop off at Blockbuster... and I have a Best Buddies event with Gilda that is going to take up my entire afternoon.

I'm already tired again.

feeling better.

Apparently all it takes to get me through major emotional hardship is a party populated exclusively by gay men, with the occasional female, a long subway ride with Ben Folds, and an afternoon having my hair pulled out in Brooklyn by a very aggressive girl with autism.

Also there is a guy I volunteer with and I think he has a crush on me. He's cute in like a goofy football player kind of way.

What's the problem with this?

Oh, he's 17. No big.

I just want to scream at him, "Stop it! I'm old and dried up!"

...except I would probs do him.

I'm a rapist. Excellent.

I think it's pretty funny, actually.

weathering it.

Nothing like a half hour slosh in wet snow each way to Greenwich Village to be fingerprinted only to be told that your appointment is actually in The fucking Bronx. In Converse sneakers because I'm an idiot.

They actually were pretty nice about the fact that my boss told me to go to the wrong place and fingerprinted me after only like a 2 minute wait.

I'm pretty excited... it doesn't look like any of my toes will have to be amputated.

Fuck the gym. I am going to fold my laundry and curl up with... my homework. And then with my sign language presentation, which I must perform admirably on this evening. Shit. 

Tea kettle, tea kettle, lend me your sympathy.

stability.

What better time to blog than while squinting, spectacles-less at the computer, dying one's hair? That's what I thought.

I've been doing this thing, where I burn a cd for Pat C. Hoy II, god among men, aka my writing professor and the head of our Expository Writing department here at NYU, I make a cover for it out of a piece cut out from a colouring book page, and leave it unascribed to anyone in his mailbox every week. I understand that I'm a really odd girl. I'm fine with it.

After a semi-lame weekend... not terrible, but not amazing... my trip to the JCH in Brooklyn to my double life as a Jewess was actually really great. All of the Jews were really nice to me and my boss asked me if I wanted to become on staff instead of just being a volunteer, so that's a maybe. She said she has to run it by other administrative people, but if that works out, that's one more day of being paid, so that would be cool. The kids were pretty good, too. I hung out with the same sweet little Asian girl for the majority of it. She's nonverbal and kind of antisocial, which is understandable, given that she has autism. She really does live in her own little world. But she understands what is said to her and she is really smart about things like the alphabet and numbers and stuff like that. She likes to take blank pieces of paper and draw shapes and write words on them. She does this on literally like fifty pieces of paper. The funniest one she did today was a piece of paper that very simply read, "Give me". It was one of the staff's birthdays today... this guy was one whom I perceived to be probably 22... Today he turned 19 and I realized that I was one of the two oldest people there, which changed some of my perceptions.

On my way home on the subway, I realized that my life has reached the stability it hasn't had since before I can remember. The last time I think my life felt stable was when I was dating Dan and it was pretty serious and we spent a lot of time together and it was vaguely like we were married. That was a year ago. I'm not saying I've been seriously fucked-up since that point because of him, but a lot of things have happened since then to make me the fucked-up, totally emotionally damaged person that I was partially during the spring and summer and definitely during the fall. I'm happy now. I don't know what changed, but enough things changed and enough time passed and I feel good. I walk around New York with a smile on my face and my hipster headphones over my ears. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm glad of it for now.

what a week.

Monday night, Carolyn and her friend Aubrie got here. They were to be staying in my dorm until Friday morning. I didn't get to hang out with them much, though, because I had school and work and reading and things to do. At about 7:30, they decided that they wanted to go DC for the inauguration.

After about an hour and a half of trying, they were able to find a way there, along with many of the good people of Manhattan... by taking a bus to Baltimore and then... figuring it out from there. They then took off, about 3 hours after they had arrived. This decision of theirs brought it to my attention that I am not very spontaneous. Had I wanted to go to the inauguration, I would have looked into the great student packages they were offering and figured out exactly how I would make that happen... at least two weeks in advance.

So fine, I'm not spontaneous and they are. They do things like go on buses all night to go to DC for Obama and I do things like go to class. I'm boring. I get it.

Classes were good, though. After now having had two of Pat C. Hoy II's writing classes, I can assert with great confidence that most of the people in the class are better at this stuff than I am and are very smart. Ironically, the class this semester is about reviewing films. Why is this ironic? Last semester, the class that made me want to slit my wrists on a regular basis was the basic film class I took for a core requirement. Fuck.

This will be different, though. There are two final essays that the class builds up to, one being about film. The other one can be about a book. Thank goodness. I chose When Harry Met Sally to review for my essay. Obviously. Our first assignment relating to that (and not to the reading we also have to do) was pretty cool. We had to pick the "two most vexing scenes" in the movie and write a paragraph about why we find them vexing.

Treatment of Child and Adolescent Mental Illness looks like it will be good, too, and with Chadly and Jenna, I think it will definitely be a good one.

Cognition looks hard, and it's a huuuuuuge class crammed into a lecture hall with barely any extra seats. I know only one person in it, and I don't sit with him (so far). I make myself pay attention. Lots of note-taking.

And ASL 4 is a huge class, too. For a sign language class, that is. But it's been fun. The first two days were good. I am a little scared of its kicking my ass, but let's be realistic. All of these classes are going to kick my ass in one way or another.

I start babysitting for Christopher next Thursday. Yesterday I went over and Estera showed me the places they like to go when they go out. The three of us went to this cool fish store that has this really intimidating and fucking crazy parrot, to a pizza parlor, to a park, and to Baskin Robbins. I guess there's another park they prefer to go to, but in the winter they close at 4... and Chris doesn't get home until like 3:45 anyway, so that sucks. And they like to take a train to go to Barnes & Noble, but we didn't do that.

In an hour, I am going to meet my first mentee (if that's what they are even called) Wendela. I get fingerprinted on Wednesday and get my PPD on Friday. After all the paperwork stuff is done, I hope to start working with that ASAP.

Tonight tonight we are going out and I am so exciteddddd. The only people missing are Rachel, Abeer, Amy, and Sam. This whole study abroad thing is a bummerrrrr.

caffeine-addiction restarts... yesterday

Yesterday was a pretty long day. After babysitting some kids last minute in a hotel the night before that, I tried to sleep... and failed. Woke up and went to the gym. Upon my return from the body temple, I had a voicemail from the mom... I had taken their hotel key. Woops! She was very cool about it and asked that I leave it at a nearby restaurant in an envelope with her name on it, as she had reservations there later that night. I apologetically obliged and then hopped on my usual Sunday train to the Brooklyn JCH to volunteer with kids with autism for a few hours, where I lead a double life as a is-she/isn't-she Jewess... They aren't sure if I'm Jewish - some think I am, some probably don't, some probably don't care... for instance, the following conversation snippet.

Mike: Whoa, you have blue eyes?!

Me: Yeah...

Mike: Sick! (he said this enthusiastically, in that male way that actually means something positive)

I worked with little Jamie again, which was fun, as she has no behavioural problems at all, and I felt like we actually made a connection as she climbed on the ballet bars in front of the mirrors in the dance room and we stared at our reflections. She mimicked my facial expressions and we danced to the music and did all kinds of acrobatics. It was great. If only my fellow workers were as friendly... Not that they're unfriendly, just cliquey.

Anyway after that was done, I got to leave in the snow and go to dinner with my two favourite Southern ladies, Bit and Suzanne. After some dinner and gossip, brought to you from India and North Carolina... and California, of course, we enjoyed a giant slice of carrot cake.

Today, I awoke at the very early hour of 6:45 and returned to Brooklyn, this time to meet a boy named Christopher, his current babysitter, Estera, and his mom, Janice, to see what it would be like to be his babysitter two afternoons a week... and I'm gonna do it. Christopher is going to be ten in March and has autism. He loves trains. He was a sweetheart.

Carolyn and her friend Aubrie will be at my apartment for a few days starting this afternoon. I hope it stops snowing so that I can take them outside and do some touristy shit. The rest of this week (and my life), I'm going to be too busy to do anything like that and will just be sending them out into the world, saying, "Have fun! Come back when it gets dark!"

I am going to be so tired this semester. My two jobs and classes are going to kick the shit out of me. But I think I will be happy. That is the goal.