it's april 11th today.

Haven't written in a while. I've been almost bipolar in my moods lately, up and down, up and down. Trying to work on regulating that. I've also been getting some terrible migraines, but hopefully got a prescription that will help me with them.

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I met the man who has been my boyfriend for almost 9 months. It's weird. So much has gone on in my life since then, but it seems unbelievable that it would have been a year since that time.

School is of course eating my mind. I can't even type down how much I have to do before the end of the semester.

Summer plans look good and busy... babysitting Chris and Emi once a week, mentoring a few times a week, working with one of my favorite psychiatrists on developing a new health program for a local high school, volunteering as a suicide helpline counselor for The Trevor Project... and taking the weekends off. Why? Mainly because I will be out of town for at least 4 weekends this summer, undoubtedly more, and because The Trevor Project requires two whole weekends in June for training. So I might not be making too much money this summer, but at this point, if I get some good recommendations and experience out of it, I couldn't care less. And free weekends should mean more time with the boy... right?

Friend stuff is slightly drama as always. I count myself lucky to have them, but I'm so blessed to have the best friend of all, mah boo... no, but really. He's a life-saver at this point.

I'm registering for my last semester of my undergraduate career tomorrow afternoon... creeping myself out!

Well, we all know my life is weird. How's yours?

i can't believe it's almost april...

Everything has been going really well. I am still unreasonably stressed out about the various components of my life and I've been getting some bad migraines, but I'm also fairly happy. Jon and I are better than ever. I'm going to be working on course development with a psychiatrist I like in the fall. The class is on eating disorders, so I am pretty excited about that. As far as an internship this summer goes, I am still hoping that something will work out. If not, I will at least have volunteering as a suicide helpline counselor with The Trevor Project, which is something I'm looking forward to.

I'm helping Jon move to Plymouth, MA next weekend, so I am pretty excited about that. I will get to meet his roommates and he will get to meet my best friend and her boyfriend. And my mom is coming in a few weeks to meet him.

So there's just quite a lot going on, as usual, but I feel pretty good, unusually.

Whiny time over! I am so excited for my boyfriend, the grad student! :) And very excited to move him out of the family home in Pennsylvania up to his apartment in Plymouth, MA in a few weeks!

live through this, and you won't look back

I have an essay test Monday, work all day Tuesday with an emotionally disturbed woman who is going to flip a shit, and then a multiple choice test AND an essay test Wednesday. I hate midterms.

I REALLY hate how fat I feel.

Oh well. Everything will get better. I promise.

My mom is turning my room into an office. I guess that means I'm a grown-up. The family is going on a ski trip without me this week. And my dog died. And my youngest sister is apparently old enough to have friends hang themselves. All in the last week. I feel very disconnected from the homestead indeed.

Good things:

I love my boyfriend. He loves me, even though I'm insane. Maybe even because of it.

Spring is coming to New York City, slowly but surely.

I am probably intelligent enough to get into grad school SOMEWHERE.

I have the apartment to myself this weekend, so I can practice living alone - aka bumming it on the couch studying/watching TV alone.

I may buy bread and cheese this afternoon.

bah.

Okay, I'll say it. I'm worried about midterms. I'm worried about not getting into graduate school. I'm just-plain worried. Some of the programs I used to feel confident about applying to have been revealed by the bible of clinical psych programs to have admittance rates of 2-8%. I'm not in the top 8% of applicants. At all.

And so I've compiled a list of 20% and up schools. Bah.

It's snowing. I'm supposed to take a bus down to Pennsylvania to be with Jon tomorrow night. Bah.

My forehead has gotten much greasier now that I have bangs. Bah.

At least I can use the snow as a reason to not to go the gym... going to work in Brooklyn today is going to be unpleasant enough.

Jon and I had a great, lovely, fun weekend of cheesecake and pajamas and sex and cuddling and an excursion to a wonderful Indian restaurant, but this week it's just like... it takes me HOURS to fall asleep. My brain just won't turn off, which is really frustrating. Bitch needs sleep!

oh february

We had a snow day yesterday for basically the first time in NYU history... Nerd that I am, I was actually a little annoyed, given that they sent the email out sometime in the fifteen minutes it takes me to walk to class. So I got there in the blizzard and just... turned around. But I bought a log of herb brie and a loaf of Portuguese wheat on the way home and that made everything better. Jon and I had a big fight about the last two weeks of fighting and so I cried and watched things with the roomie and he made me drinks and there was cheese and my mom sent me Valentine's candy so it was okay.

And Jon and I made up. And he's coming in tomorrow night for the weekend and I am so excited! It's hard only seeing each other for a weekend every three weeks.

I'm still having a hard time finding an internship, but last night I had an idea that I think could be really cool. I applied to be a helpline counselor for The Trevor Project, which is like a suicide prevention hotline/non-profit organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youth, so hopefully that will be added to my involvements this summer.

Today I get to sit in (behind mirrors) on two family therapy sessions and write a paper on one, and I'm really excited :)

So everything is looking good for me right now. I'm not desperately behind in school anymore, all of a sudden. And I like three out of four of them. And my independent study is good, too.

Happy Valentine's Day! Jon and I are making a heart-shaped raspberry cheesecake (I know. Corny much?! He's really excited about it)

my boy

I am starting to understand how hard a relationship can be. Jon and I have been having some really tough discussions/arguments lately, but after we resolve them (and so far, we've been pretty efficient at doing that), it feels like we have gotten so much stronger as a couple. During the actual thing itself, though, it gets a little scary.

I can't wait until the night of February 12th, when I get to actually see him again.

updaaaaate

Haven't written in a while. As per usual, I have been excruciatingly busy... I've been in school for just over a week and am already behind in the reading. Perfect. And now I have a cold. Perfecter. And I miss Jon. Perfectest.

Classes are good - all requiring a lot of work on my part, but very challenging in a nice way. I am completely struggling to find an internship for the summer, which is awful at this point.

Jon and I had a nice 6 month anniversary weekend. This is by far the longest that I've been with someone and it is one of the happiest and most wonderful aspects of my life. He's going to come to California with me over Memorial Day weekend and meet my family... shit's getting real up in herrrrre.

backkkk in the empire state (of mind)

I'm back in New York and I get to see Jon in 3 days!!!!!!

My first full day back in the city was yesterday and that was fairly busy since I went grocery shopping and had work, but today it looks like my main tasks are to get to the gym and print my casenotes and take my casenotes to the office.

And that's it.

If it wasn't winter and if most of my friends were back in the city, I would maybe see if someone wanted to explore... but I'm fine with having a lazy day. It is still vacation, after all!

The roomie and the squatter are good so far, but apparently they've been fighting with each other a lot. As long as I'm not involved, I guess I don't care, but the squatter is here til the end of March, so... I hope they get over it soon.

I'm pretty much just sitting in my bed, nursing my stye, and waiting til I feel ready to go work out. What a life, huh?

homestead

This whole diet thing would not be as hard if I didn't get so damn hungry! And if my mom didn't ask me to make cookies every few days... Oh well. I developed a major sweet tooth this semester due to stress and definitely put on a few pounds. I think I've taken them right back off by now, but I'm hoping to maybe lose a few more. I have that tummy pooch thing that ladies get, and I hate it! Also my upper arms/thighs are intensely fat...

The nice thing about the diet is that I feel less fat already and I eat more fruit/veggies. And I have a boyfriend who loves me already, so it's really more for me than him.

My driving test is Wednesday. I'm kind of nervous. What sucks most is that I hate driving. Practicing is torture, pure and simple. But I am not having an anxiety attack every time I get in the car anymore, so we've made some progress on that.

Hope y'all are having a nice New Year. For me, I am just waiting for camp to get here, and once that's done, I'm outtttttta here. Back to New York, and then, a few days later, back to my man!

christmas vacation

Being home has always been kind of a weird thing for me. It is kind of like my life stops. My mom is making me (well, not really making me, but I'm more likely to do it if I pretend that she is) learn how to drive a car. Again. It sucks. I have a few things that trigger my underlying anxiety disorder, and they are: driving, shopping malls, and Times Square. Yesterday, my mom made me encounter two of three.

So other than forcing myself to endure exposure therapy in the form of driving my sister's car and get my license hopefully next Wednesday, the only thing on the docket is camp, which I am thrilled about.

After vomiting for the third consecutive year on Christmas, I have vowed to kind of stop drinking very much. For Jon. I don't drink a lot in New York anymore because I am too fucking busy. But hey, I got a 3.9 this semester (3 A's, 1 A-. That's right. Suck it). Anyway, it really scared him that I was puking on Christmas. And I called him beforehand. Why? Because that's what I do when I'm drunk and gonna puke. I get scared. And he got scared, too. But I only have 5 glasses of wine or so, so I was really scared, 'cause it was weird. Anyway, it freaked him out, especially since he's used to me being able to handle myself, so I promised him I would lay off. And I have. Since that point I have had a glass of wine at dinner once and I think there's a glass of champagne in the future with my parents on New Years... not that I'm doing anything on New Years, because I'm definitely just staying in.

I have friends here at home, but I have very little drive to see them. I think this is for a few reasons: 1. missing Jon overshadows anything I might miss about them and 2. ...meh. I'm kind of indifferent about most things in California.

BUT. 11 days until ACE Camp, 13 days til back in New York, and 18 days til back with my boyfriend.

I miss my boyfriend. 36 more days. At least I get to spend 20 of those days at home, being completely bored and plied with free food and booze, and also by being forced to get my drivers license, endure my family and log in a session at church (just what I need). It is so weird that Pennsylvania has become the place I want to go when I think to myself, "get me the fuck out of here."

I think my mom is finally going to meet him, on our 6 month anniversary weekend. She wants to come to New York and see a play or something. It's also my and Oscar's housewarming party weekend, so I guess Peggy is coming to the party! That'll be delightfully weird.

3 finals and a final paper to go. I'm only really worried about the very last final and maybe the paper. But at this point in the semester, it's like, yeah yeah yeah whatever.

One apartment move to go. Oscar and I get the keys from the super this afternoon, and then I do my usual and buy a forty and spend the entire afternoon/evening/night packing up all my shit, as my aunt will be coming in the early morning hours to assist me in leaving.

I have an odd enjoyment of the feeling of my own stubble.

happy humpday

The boy and I had a wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend, and of course to mark that, Monday night we had kind of a bad argument. Not our first, but one of the first and kind of a biggie. But we are all okay now and so that is good. Only 38 more days until I get to see him again... I think when that happens my face will crack from smiling.

Last non-final test of the semester was yesterday, got a 93. Chicka yeahhhh. Presentation in an hour and a half, wooooops we're just gonna wing it. Move into apartment - living by myself for 10 days, since Oscar won't move in until after finals - Saturday. Huge paper and final on Tuesday. Final on Thursday. Final the following Monday. Fly home to CA the day after (22nd).

Weird how I don't want to go home per se, but I just want to get the fuck out of here... and go where? To Pennsylvania, no doubt. Shiiiiiit.

I am starting my gym resolution the day after I move into the new place, since it is only a few blocks from the gym, as opposed to a 15 minute walk in the cold like the place I live now. My gym resolution is to go at least 5 times a week. I am thinking about making myself a chart with gold stars on it.

I feel fat today. My roommate and I ordered pizza last night. Mistake.

Yesterday I was stricken ill, as I am often wont to do, and tonight I am supposed to be on a bus to the boyfriend! What's a girl to do?! Well, luckily, my class got cancelled for this morning, so I did my laundry last night, went to bed at 11, and didn't get out of bed til quarter after 9. Now I am packing my little suitcase because bitch got things to do today! mainly being I am getting paid to take a mentee to the Tim Burton exhibit at the MoMA - chicka yeahhhhh. Then come home, pick up my suitcase, buy cold medicine and candy for when boyfriend and I watch Elf, go downtown for coffee with my writing professor whom I'm obsessed with, and back uptown to hop on the bus.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Pennsylvania! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy boyfriend! He says he is going to take care of me, as I am sickly. What a sweet boyfriend!

amazing how a conversation that makes me cry on and off for like two hours leads to me feeling really, really great about my relationship. speaking of which, relationships are weird. but i like this one. i can't wait to be with him friday night. almost there!

oh my god

this is hard. this is really hard. i have never been in a relationship for this long and it's hard. why is it hard?! i hate crying and i've been doing it for more than an hour. if you are going to break up with me because i tell you i love you too much because i never fucking get to see you, do it fucking now and not while i'm stranded in pennsylvania.

oh i wish you could meet my boyfriend, my boyfriend who lives in pennsylvania

When he's asleep in Pennsylvania and I'm awake in New York, I just want to call him, wake him up, and (selfishly) say, "It's time to start your day, babe. Spend it all day talking to and missing me," as though he doesn't already spend a huge amount of time doing that.

I wish I was able to get more homework done when he's sleeping than when he's talking to me, but the productivity level is sadly about the same.

I see him for the last time until I come back from winter break at home this weekend, and I am so scared of being away from him for almost 6 weeks.

i'm not so good at being a city girl.

Coming back to the city from somewhere else has always been kind of weird. It feels like I've left my life and am just now returning to it, which used to be a cool thing and now it feels different. It used to be that I would feel this huge sigh of relief gusting out of me in my first step back onto the city street. When the place I'm leaving is one that contains the boyfriend, the feelings are a lot more mixed, often quite sad from missing him and his sweet wonderful puppyself already.

Coming back from other places is more interesting. I had a really nice, relaxing time in Long Island with extended family. Coming back into the city with my suitcase full of Thanksgiving food, pumpkin cookies, and 9 bottles of pumpkin beer was... I'm not sure. It felt okay, which in itself was weird, given how I would like to flee screaming from New York in general and my dorm in particular and take up residence somewhere else, somewhere near, next door if possible, to Jon, somewhere less insane.

But I felt okay coming back yesterday, so I'm hoping this will be a good week, the last one of sanity. This week nothing big is due at school, but the following week there is a quiz and presentation; the week after that, a final for one class and a term paper for the other, followed by another final two days later. I am also supposed to move into my apartment during this week, because... the following Monday is my last final and the next day, I zip right out to California for Christmas and New Year's and ACE Camp(!) and all kinds of other nonsense, where my brain and I will be sleeping until mid-January, missing my man and, possibly, my life, quite a bit.

I will probably also be trying to learn to drive and get my license for those three weeks, so I suppose that could be construed as productive time spent.

typical.

To-Do for Today:

Draft a 6 page term paper to be turned in tomorrow morning.

Sit through Social Psychology lecture, Divorce in America lecture, Perception recitation.

Go to work in Brooklyn.

Print out papers and fill out ones that require it.

Locate some office to turn the papers into.

Laundry.

To-Do for Tomorrow:

Turn in 6 page draft.

Go to silly Social Psychology recitation.

Turn in time sheet.

Turn in forms to office.

Laundry if didn't do Thursday.

Homework for Autism Spectrum Disorders and reading for Social Psych.

Bus to Pennsylvania at 5:30!

To-Do for the Weekend:

Be with the boyfriend!

Sleep!

Smile!