it's april 11th today.

Haven't written in a while. I've been almost bipolar in my moods lately, up and down, up and down. Trying to work on regulating that. I've also been getting some terrible migraines, but hopefully got a prescription that will help me with them.

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I met the man who has been my boyfriend for almost 9 months. It's weird. So much has gone on in my life since then, but it seems unbelievable that it would have been a year since that time.

School is of course eating my mind. I can't even type down how much I have to do before the end of the semester.

Summer plans look good and busy... babysitting Chris and Emi once a week, mentoring a few times a week, working with one of my favorite psychiatrists on developing a new health program for a local high school, volunteering as a suicide helpline counselor for The Trevor Project... and taking the weekends off. Why? Mainly because I will be out of town for at least 4 weekends this summer, undoubtedly more, and because The Trevor Project requires two whole weekends in June for training. So I might not be making too much money this summer, but at this point, if I get some good recommendations and experience out of it, I couldn't care less. And free weekends should mean more time with the boy... right?

Friend stuff is slightly drama as always. I count myself lucky to have them, but I'm so blessed to have the best friend of all, mah boo... no, but really. He's a life-saver at this point.

I'm registering for my last semester of my undergraduate career tomorrow afternoon... creeping myself out!

Well, we all know my life is weird. How's yours?

oh february

We had a snow day yesterday for basically the first time in NYU history... Nerd that I am, I was actually a little annoyed, given that they sent the email out sometime in the fifteen minutes it takes me to walk to class. So I got there in the blizzard and just... turned around. But I bought a log of herb brie and a loaf of Portuguese wheat on the way home and that made everything better. Jon and I had a big fight about the last two weeks of fighting and so I cried and watched things with the roomie and he made me drinks and there was cheese and my mom sent me Valentine's candy so it was okay.

And Jon and I made up. And he's coming in tomorrow night for the weekend and I am so excited! It's hard only seeing each other for a weekend every three weeks.

I'm still having a hard time finding an internship, but last night I had an idea that I think could be really cool. I applied to be a helpline counselor for The Trevor Project, which is like a suicide prevention hotline/non-profit organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youth, so hopefully that will be added to my involvements this summer.

Today I get to sit in (behind mirrors) on two family therapy sessions and write a paper on one, and I'm really excited :)

So everything is looking good for me right now. I'm not desperately behind in school anymore, all of a sudden. And I like three out of four of them. And my independent study is good, too.

Happy Valentine's Day! Jon and I are making a heart-shaped raspberry cheesecake (I know. Corny much?! He's really excited about it)

backkkk in the empire state (of mind)

I'm back in New York and I get to see Jon in 3 days!!!!!!

My first full day back in the city was yesterday and that was fairly busy since I went grocery shopping and had work, but today it looks like my main tasks are to get to the gym and print my casenotes and take my casenotes to the office.

And that's it.

If it wasn't winter and if most of my friends were back in the city, I would maybe see if someone wanted to explore... but I'm fine with having a lazy day. It is still vacation, after all!

The roomie and the squatter are good so far, but apparently they've been fighting with each other a lot. As long as I'm not involved, I guess I don't care, but the squatter is here til the end of March, so... I hope they get over it soon.

I'm pretty much just sitting in my bed, nursing my stye, and waiting til I feel ready to go work out. What a life, huh?

i'm not so good at being a city girl.

Coming back to the city from somewhere else has always been kind of weird. It feels like I've left my life and am just now returning to it, which used to be a cool thing and now it feels different. It used to be that I would feel this huge sigh of relief gusting out of me in my first step back onto the city street. When the place I'm leaving is one that contains the boyfriend, the feelings are a lot more mixed, often quite sad from missing him and his sweet wonderful puppyself already.

Coming back from other places is more interesting. I had a really nice, relaxing time in Long Island with extended family. Coming back into the city with my suitcase full of Thanksgiving food, pumpkin cookies, and 9 bottles of pumpkin beer was... I'm not sure. It felt okay, which in itself was weird, given how I would like to flee screaming from New York in general and my dorm in particular and take up residence somewhere else, somewhere near, next door if possible, to Jon, somewhere less insane.

But I felt okay coming back yesterday, so I'm hoping this will be a good week, the last one of sanity. This week nothing big is due at school, but the following week there is a quiz and presentation; the week after that, a final for one class and a term paper for the other, followed by another final two days later. I am also supposed to move into my apartment during this week, because... the following Monday is my last final and the next day, I zip right out to California for Christmas and New Year's and ACE Camp(!) and all kinds of other nonsense, where my brain and I will be sleeping until mid-January, missing my man and, possibly, my life, quite a bit.

I will probably also be trying to learn to drive and get my license for those three weeks, so I suppose that could be construed as productive time spent.

summer

The boy is coming Friday night!

With my new commute, I have a lot of time to read, and have been reading some really good books: The Tender Bar, The Book Thief, and People of the Book. When I finish People of the Book (otherwise known as Wednesday before work, regardless) I am going to go to the Mid-Manhattan library and get a library card and take out a few books. Loving this summer!

Other than that... work work work love love love friends friends friends beer beer beer train train train attic attic attic boy boy boy life life life.

baaaaaack.

Well, I'm back in New York after a whirlwind wonderful (tiring) Camp. Living in my aunt and uncle's attic, which they have done up really nice for me. It's nice, but I miss being on my own at school. A lot. They're nice and are doing so much for me, but there are these things that just... make me wish I wasn't here. The biggest one: they use the r-word. A lot. I hate that. Were I not related to them and were they not putting me up for 7 weeks, I would say something, but as it stands, I just try not to flinch when it comes out. The commute from Long Island is doable and I don't mind since it is just for the rest of the summer, but yeah... kind of a pain, especially when I work in Brooklyn, because then it becomes like a 2 hour excursion. Each way.

I've been trying to see my friends and stuff, working more than I do doing school, blahblahblah. Jon is coming up not this coming weekend but the weekend after and I am pretty excited. Made a fool out of myself on Saturday and don't feel too bad about it, but I think that will be the last time for a while. Tomorrow will be the last weekday I don't have work, forseeably, so I am hoping that I can get some friends and some wine or something and go to Central Park and be lazy. We'll see.

My life basically consists of this: me running around New York working drinking laughing wearing myself out and mostly loving it.

YES!

July 7th - good enough! 

Here's the plan: I fly out to JFK, get in the evening of the 7th. During the 5-day week, I'll be living in my aunt and uncle's attic in Long Island and working probably three days a week babysitting the same boy I sit for during the year. On those three days, I'll probably take the train in to Manhattan in the morning, go the gym at school, shower there, maybe grab lunch with one of my friends or hang out in the park or something, and then make my way to Bensonhurst for the afternoon. On the other two days, I will probably stay at my aunt's house and help her with her kids, laundry, dishes, all that good stuff, just hang out. On the weekends, I will stay with a friend in the city and do the crazy stuff we kids like to do. This is also good because when Jon comes to visit (probably only once during the summer) we can crash at a friend's. My aunt and uncle would so not be down for me to bring a boy home to their attic. He would only come in once because obviously it's more optimal for him to be sleeping in my room, so we're not imposing on friends or whatever. I move in August 30th I think, and I will have my own room and be down the hall from my girlfriends in the 20shit Street dorm, and of course that's perfect for him to visit.

We've been talking a lot, still daily, and I swear, this whole long distance thing is the only thing wrong with us. Other than that, we are great, good, and glorious together.

Cannot wait to see all the kids! Oscar, Rachel, Abeer, Amy, Jenny, Liz, Ankit, Andrea, Matt, Jeff, Jake, Suzanne... and Jon :)

making it work

I gotta get my ass back to New York. July 6th. Let's make it happen!

my life right now.

Weird nights with kids I wouldn't be friends with if I were in New York. Drinking cheap beer in Peter's Canyon. Shitty job market made shittier I really think by the fact that I am not what is expected of a 20 year old white girl in Orange County - not blonde or thin, and I don't talk like a valley girl. Horrible dreams where I am looking for something, always questing - I slid down some ice and broke my fucking nose in the last one, no joke. Watching my mom and dad fight about moving to Colorado, leaving my mom crying because she doesn't want to leave her family, especially my grandpa, who has cancer, and leaving my dad silent and really fucking pissed... but we're not moving.

At the end of a 40 minute phone conversation with a kid who hates talking on the phone, Jon and I talked very very briefly about what would happen if the whole visiting thing actually happened - would it be a casual, friends with benefits kind of deal, would we be considering dating, blah blah blah. After the conversation he sat down and wrote a poem about fish sex. I think this is proof that we belong together for at least a little bit, but I also thing the whole long distance thing is kind of doomed, so we'll see.

Also, prop 8 - what the hell?! I can't believe something so disgusting has been permitted to stay a law. I am not an eloquent woman, and I really can't even formulate words to describe how saddened I was to hear that so many of my friends are still being treated like second-class citizens and second-class humans, but also because there are people in the world who believe that it's right, which I think is even sadder.

Conclusion: Should have stayed in New York. No question. I would have had 3 part-time jobs and no school, saving some cash. The only reason I came home was to save my parents some money, which is great and in that respect I am really glad I am... but I also came home to get a job and save that cash for me for when I go to Prague, and right now, even with my resume sent to like 40 places, it's really not looking so hot.

this is how i feel.

For weeks I have been looking forward to going home to California. This semester -- this year, really -- has been a rough one, a growing one, and I am tired and I need to get out of New York and away from being stressed out all the time. I need a good night's sleep, multiplied about 100 times, I need it to be warm, I need to not worry about money, I need the fresh fruit and veggies that are never as delicious here.

Right?

I had my last day of volunteering at the JCH today, and even though this is like, the least-involved of my jobs, it was pretty weird to say bye to it and to the people, who asked me back for next fall, and I might even get paid, depending on the time span of the session. I feel like I have such a full, fucking intense, multidimensional world here, my jobs, the people I work with, many groups of friends, many career-related associations now, and even just the different areas of New York City that I have frequented in the past two years. I've worked in Harlem, the Bronx, Brooklyn, the Upper West Side, Midtown. I have friends who live in Gramercy, the West Village, Stuy-town, Little Italy, Chinatown, Brooklyn, and Alphabet City.

I think next summer, even though I am going to Prague in the spring, I am going to live in New York, with a short jaunt home to go to Camp. I want to make this world my home and I also want to learn to live here without getting so tired and without wanting to run home for a break. I think I will appreciate California this summer, though. I have a lot to look forward to. Camp Re-Creation, for the fifth year, an anatomy class with Eric, hopefully having lots of hours at a job I at least semi-enjoy, getting my drivers license, casual beers with friends, chilling out in the sun.

I am trying to look forward to everything everything everything. Cross your fingers that it works!

hot mess.

Lately I have been going out a LOT. Lots of drinking, lots of gibberish, lots of giggling, lots of dumbassery.

Tonight... LADY GAGA. I am dressed as a slutty disco ball. Shit's about to get real.

tuesday.

As I listen unintentionally to the garbled (we closed our door so she could have some privacy), tearful, angry words exchanged for the 47 billionth time between my suitemate and her boyfriend, via phone, after having a lovely little chat with Penn about him visiting me in the fall, upon my return to New York, I realize a.) I might not be a cat lady, and b.) relationships are stressful. While they reap so many rewards, being single (read: completely alone) offers its own benefits, and I am young. I should enjoy them while they are here.

In other news... it is very very warm here in NYC today. As I always say... When in doubt, dress like a whore!

No, but really... otherwise you will sweat to death.

Also, I refuse to be scared of the swine flu until I am forced to be, so if I could make it through the next two weeks without any of my finals being cancelled, that would be great kthnx.

sunday afternoon.

My friends and I got the worst dorm in all of NYU dorming, but since I am only going to live there for a semester in the fall before I jet off to Prague, I should be able to tough it out. The girl who was going to be my roommate, one of my best friends, decided she is probably going to go to Madrid in the fall, so if she does that, her name is still on the room, and even after it's not, no one is going to want to transfer into the 26th Street dorm, so I will have a single, too. My friends live down the hall, and then the girls in the other bedrooms will be strangers I guess. Not a problem. I kind of like that better I think.

I feel like I am so fucking done with school, but, as per usual, school is not done with me. I have a final paper for my writing class that I need to be re-drafting and re-turning in every like two days, I have two sign language presentations, I have a final diagnosis/treatment paper for the treatment class, I have an exam for that class, and I have an exam for cognition. Fuuuuuuuuuck. I am making valiant attempts to get the shit all done, but with work and this beautiful weather Doable, though, I think. My winter stuff and my tv and my kitchen stuff and books/DVDs I don't want to take home will be going in the back of my aunt's car to live safely in an attic in Long Island again, my spring/summer clothing, DVDs, and other random shit will come home with me, while everything else will either go in the garbage/be donated if I don't use it anymore or whatever. It's going to be a shitshow.

Yesterday was the most beautiful day we've had so far in New York this year and I had to spend almost all of it inside, at an orientation for a job I've held successfully for three months. I get paid for it, though, so at least that's a plus.

Coming soon... finals, finals, finals! Figuring out what my post-undergrad plans are. Figuring out where I am going to get a job this summer. Getting my drivers license at the age of 20. Turning 20 - the most anticlimactic birthday ever, though my ID will be turning 23, so it's not like I won't be able to celebrate. An anatomy class at Santiago Canyon for the summer with my friend Eric. Packing: the journey. Arranging for weekend trips to UCLA in May and San Francisco in probably July or August. Camp Re-Creation shopping. Camp Re-Creation and all associated shenanigans. Drinking with the parents. Seeing my friends. Being sunny. Chilling the fuck out.

I am starting to wonder if living in New York for the rest of my life is the best idea, given how badly I want to get out right now. I don't really know. Maybe after school things will be different. Maybe a different living situation. Maybe being closer to my friends next semester than I was this year will help. I loved freshman year, after all. I think California just sounds so goddamned idyllic right now, but after like a month, I'll be sick of it and ready to come back. It's the oldest story in the book. Only want what you don't have.

i have become an asexual. don't worry.

I literally refuse to breed with anyone other than myself. Yesterday the animal handler, the SAFETY SCHOOL of all of the men in my life, blew me off with no explanation and no apology, fully knowing that he was going to get some. This made me feel very ugly and disgusting and hateful, and so I stuffed jumbo shells with ricotta cheese, slathered them in tomato basil marinara, and continued to hate myself while watching When Harry Met Sally and drinking cheap chardonnay.

Today I figured out that I can (and therefore should for financial reasons) graduate a semester early. This immediately freaked me out and sent me into spirals of questioning myself about what I want to go to grad school for (Occupational Therapy vs. Child Psychology//Counseling vs. Early Childhood Special Ed) and where (do I want to stay in New York or maybe go to San Francisco/Oakland or do I want to go somewhere completely different?!). I then figured out that I have only 3 weeks left of this semester, with a 10-12 page paper, an 8 page paper, 2 sign language final presentations, and two final exams. And my jobs, which I can't call out of, as both my bosses know when I go home/come back. The up side? I will be home in 3 weeks and that much closer to Camp (and sleeping, my absolute favourite thing to do in California) and free food/wine. The down side? The girl who loves sleeping the mostest has to quit. And so it is 12:15 and I am about to start my writing homework and then I have some reading to do, and I will probably fall into bed around 4 and wake up at 8... totally doable.

I also maybe am getting my tonsils out this summer.

Something funny today happened, though, thank god.

A homeless man outside my old dorm had two signs, the first reading, "I'm Not a Playboy," and the second one reading, "I'm Just Sexy All the Time." As I passed by with my friend, he said to me, "C'mon sexy, let's get married already!" My response, of course was, "I'll have my people call your people." It was pretty amazing.

thursday morning.

Thursday morning before writing class. Coffee instead of wine. Everything feels okay. After my panic attack, I decided to leave early and walk the 30 or so blocks to work blasting Ben Folds. Such a good idea. It was great. Very soothing. I only have time to do that some days, but hopefully I will take advantage of those when I do.

And yesterday evening, you know, it felt okay. Eddie and I went to the Peculiar Pub after our ASL class (around 6:30 PM, so a legal evening time), had a glass of wine each. Went to my Alternative Breaks meeting - finally it looks like we are really going to Ohio! And then I came home, starving, cooked myself real people food for dinner (chicken breasts and vegetables sauteed and seasoned because I am a fucking champ) and had another glass of wine and did some reading and talked to the cowboy.

Last night around ten I walked down to the Food Emporium in my pajamas. After obtaining my large tub of cookie dough, I then proceeded to skip all the way back, occasionally allowing a giggle to pass my lips. I love skipping in New York. You know you're making an ass out of yourself and you know everyone is looking but you just keep fucking going until you get back to your house.

Today is going to be a really long day (Thursdays always are) but it will be fine fine fine.

it's march.

Well, time fucking flies. I can't believe it's March. I am going to Ohio to work in homeless shelters in like, two weeks, apparently, and school will be out in like.... two months. Fuck.

Everything has been insane as usual. The cowboy informed me on Thursday that he cares about me as a friend and doesn't want to have sex with me because it would be just sex, with no love or anything. Bastard. I hate being cared about as a friend. He also likes to end our conversations by saying "take care of yourself." Try not to patronize me, sir, because I will really kick your ass. Anyway, I am over it legitimately by now (Sunday). Really. I am way too busy with other stuff to think about cowboys.

The mom I babysit for told me that she is pregnant! So in the fall when I come back I will get to still sit for Chris and help out with the new baby. I am so excited. I love babies. This mom also has the coolest tattoo ever - I want it. It is the multi-coloured puzzle piece that is basically the logo for anything related to autism. I really really like it.

Erica had friends stay over Friday. They were really funny boys. That was fun. That night my friend Jeff and I went to my other friend Jeff's birthday celebration at this gay bar downtown, Urge. That was... ridiculous. We didn't stay too long because my friend left without us seeing him so suddenly it was like, oh... okay... you're not here anymore... The go-go dancers were hilarious.

Erica had to move back into my (our) bedroom yesterday because we are getting new suitemates, Christea and Samantha. Today we are essentially waiting for them to move in... and have been for an hour. They can move in any time after 10 today. I hope that they come before I have to go volunteer in Brooklyn... especially because the animal handler is maybe coming over tonight (yeah, I know, I decided AGAIN that maybs I will give him a shot) because his birthday (the big 2-6) is on Tuesday. Anyway, I don't want to JUST meet them and then be like, oh this animal handler is coming over for a while... no big... I hope that they are not bitches.

It is 11 AM and I am considering a glass of wine. Embarrassing.

All of my friends seem to be really fucked up right now and I kind of worry on a reg basis about a lot of them. So that's a bummer. Apparently people worry about me on a reg basis, too, though, so whatever.

anonymity.

Today's my mom's birthday. Peggy is 47. I called her up this morning to say "happy birthday," which I think she appreciated. I think she is kind of bummed out, though, and who can blame her? Her husband turns 50 this year, her eldest daughter (me) turns 20. Her youngest child is in high school. Shit, I'm weirded out about being 20. I don't know if I really planned to be this age when I was younger. College was kind of an ageless time in my mind, and after college it was getting married, having a boring job, and birthing children. Literally. Even though I have become one of those girls that coos at babies on the street, I don't know if I will ever have one. Or if I will be married and have one. Let's be realistic, I am totally the kind of person to adopt a child at age 35 if I have the means and am still single. 

My mom was telling me about the 50th birthday party she and my father went to last night. She met this woman there, who asked her where her oldest (me) was. My mom said, Oh she goes to school in New York. Apparently this woman became very excited at this information and said, My son just moved to Brooklyn! The woman asked my mom how old I was. My mother told her I would be 20 in August. The woman apparently said, What day? My mother, thinking this odd, said, the 18th. (By the way, this is my birthday. August 18th. Put it in your crackberries.) The son's birthday is of course on the same day as mine. He is 22 (currently) and thinking he is going to go to med school. He is also tall and, like myself, enjoys sushi. His mother then proceeded to text him with my phone number. My mother loved his response, which apparently was a rambling text message paragraph about how there was no way he was going to call some random girl, essentially just because she had a nice mother, was from Orange County, and had the same birthday as he did. I thought this was pretty funny. My mother apparently has his phone number, if I'm interested. I'm gonna pass, obviously. 

There is a huge part of me that is kind of sad that I am apparently old enough to be set up for dates now. I'll get over it.

I revel in the anonymity of Manhattan on a Saturday afternoon. Though NYU is such a big school, it usually feels kind of tiny, mostly because on a weekday during the day or a weekend during the evening, I always always always run into someone on the street. At least one person, typically more. Today after our Valentine's Day party, my best buddy Gilda and I went for a walk, ostensibly in search of cheap jewellry, though I knew that since she had no idea where the intended store was and that it probably no longer existed, we would just walk. And we walked all over school neighborhoods.

In my mind, I pictured running into one of my friends or acquaintances, any of them, and how that would go. They would stop, say hi. I would say, So-and-so, this is my friend Gilda. Gilda, this is So-and-so. They would be polite and I would say, Oh, see you in class, or just plain See ya. I don't know why I had to plan out this interaction. Maybe because they've never seen me walking very slowly with a 70 year old woman with MR and a walker... and the only people who have seen me do that are people who also do that.

But we walked around for an hour and it didn't happen even once. I didn't see anyone I had ever seen before in my entire life... and I am pretty good at faces. It was interesting. It was cool.

Tony and I are kind of in a fight. He's the kind of person who can't admit to being an asshole without being called out on it. And if you call him out on it, you're an even bigger asshole. So I didn't call him out on it and simply owned up to my portion of assholeyness. I'm so over it. In my opinion, if a girl says to you, Sorry I did that - I was drunk, that is your cue to say, Oh okay no big deal. Even if you don't really believe her and just think that's a silly excuse to get out of awkwardness, EMBRACE IT. You don't need to call her out, ask her how much she had to drink and how it was possible that she was drunk when you were totally sober and how much it usually takes to get her drunk. On this point, he and I diverge. Obviously.

So here I am listening to "Annie Waits" by Ben Folds, embracing my alcoholism and thinking I am probably going to drink one-glass-too-many and go see He's Just Not That Into You by myself because my friend Derek is sick and we had had plans. I think I am going to keep up my no-men, alone theme. The only people today who could corroborate that I am alive are my roommate and the people at the Best Buddies party... let's keep it that way. I'm having an anonymous Saturday. 

I bought a different kind of wine today - not Woodbridge. It was a dollar cheaper. It is called Walnut Crest. I kind of like it. A lot. I wonder if I am switching from Woodbridge. This would be a life-changing decision for me.

hot child in the city once more!

I am back in Manhattan, huzzah! My health kick is probably semi out the window. Fuck you Weight Watchers, I've been semi trying you since I was 9 years old. I am still going to go to the gym and eat lots of veggies, but goddamnit I am 19 years old, I am going to drink alcohol whenever I goddamn feel like it. Perhaps I will be less of a drunkard - I've done enough stupid drunken things to fill up a whole lifetime - but I will still drink! Huzzah!

I am pretty glad I checked my email to hopstop where my interview tomorrow is, because, turns out, it's at 11 instead of 12. And I had set my alarm for 10:30. Riiiiiiiight. But yeah, all I have to do tomorrow is go to my interview and go to the gym. Oh, and the grocery store so I don't starve to death with the dining halls still closed. Right. And maybe I'll get down to the NYU bookstore and get that last book and the oversized sweatshirt my mother promised her grungy daughter she could purchase with the AmEx. Men's XXL, please and thank you! Goddamnit I am a classy woman.

Today I had a revelation and it was this: the only men I actually want to be married to in my fantasies are the ones who are already married. And sure, on the list there's really only three. Ben Folds, Jon Stewart, Hugh Laurie. And yeah, they're all in their forties. And yeah, I'm nineteen. But I really don't see the problem.

Except that I do and it's huge.

Oh well. Maybe I'll get a job tomorrow. Then at least I will have something to live for other than school and booze.

I didn't mean that to sound depressing. If you're reading this, Mom, I'm not gonna kill myself, I swear.

full of bran and feeling grand

I don't know about uppers, but Slumdog Millionaire was a great movie. I loved it. My mom, not as emphatically, but no one ever said Peggy and I were the same person. The little kids at the start of the movie were so cute I died inside. Abeer and Ankit must have been precious as babies.

Pretty much spent the rest of the day being woozy and out-of-it, per Eliza hangover, and talking to Fred. I kind of think that that's going to happen... especially since Tony calls me "bud." I don't think that boys desire to have sex with their "bud," no matter what When Harry Met Sally would have me believe. Better to see where things go with the animal handler than to ruin a perfectly good "bud"ship because I happen to be madly in love with him.

I orgasmed orally over the homemade butternut squash soup my dad made me...yum... watched Weeds and the Golden Globes until I was way too tired and went to bed at like 10. How gorgeous did Mary- Louise Parker look? Even though I'm SURE she didn't even expect to win against Tina Fey. It was Tina Fey's YEAR. 2008 belonged to Tina Fey. I'm fine with that - she is a goddess. She can do no wrong. But Mary-Louise... oh my god... I am going to see her in Hedda Gabler. I have decided. I am going.

Best thing about my life right now: I will be back in New York tomorrow night. I am so excited.

I did make another very important, life-changing decision yesterday and it was this: "Fuck low carb." I had Total for breakfast today and it was so grand. I think I am basically just going to do WeightWatchers and work out and we'll just see if I slim down a little bit. I am a very chunky girl, I understand, and I also understand that I'm kind of built to be this way. I have very broad structure, bone wise. Whatever. I could lose 20 pounds. It's all about portions, my friend. All about portions. I'm going to turn this into a food journal, too, to keep myself accountable, since I am the only one who reads this anyway, so I guess here goes. I don't know how much I weigh - I'll check when I get back to New York on Erica's scale, since that's the one I'll be using for 4 months, but I am eating for as if I am less than 150, since I want to be less than 150, which means I get to eat 18-23 points a day. Today for exercise I am going to powerwalk on the treadmill (I hate to run) for 4 miles, which, at the pace I go, turns out to be just shy of 54 minutes.

1/12/08

Breakfast Points

1 cup Total Raisin Bran 2

1/2 cup light soy milk 1

1 cup or so pineapple 1

Mid-day Food

Apple 1

1 tiny peanut cutter cup 2

Basically half a package of spinach 0

Tofu 2

Dinner

Large chicken breast 4

Balsamic marinade probably 2

Vegetables of some kind  0

Salad dressing 1

Apple  1

Cool. Looking at coming in at 17 at 9 pm. And I am STARVING. Oh well.

Today I went and visited my high school. It was kind of nice. All the teachers I visited had really nice things to say to me and were excited to see me. Kind of like a tiny self-esteem boost. First I went to see the Campus Ministry people, who love me because I'm a cool kid I guess, even though Jesus and I aren't supertight. I saw all of my old English teachers, even Sister Marie. I love that tiny Irish nun. Queen Rids was pretty cool, too. Stopped by Mulholland's room... that man is glorious. Obviously Celestino was the highlight of the visit. He's such a cool guy. Best teacher I've ever had, in a Dead Poets Society kind of way, not in an actually academic way. I also hung out with Spellmire for like half an hour, which was hilarious.

I think it takes graduating from high school to realize that your teachers are real people. Maybe it's because I taught kindergarteners after school last year and worked with actual teachers. Or maybe it's the leaving high school and going to college, where the teachers talk to you differently. I'm not sure. Spelldaddy and I could sit down and talk about some crazy fucking exploits for a while, though.

Ms. George and I are friends on fbook now and I think Mulholland and I will be shortly - insane! Anna-Lisa admitted to creeping on the comments I left on other peoples pages - scaryyyyy - so I added her so that she doesn't have to creep anymore, and then I saw that Mulholland, love of my life senior year of high school, has a facebook, so oh my god we are going to be fbook friends yayyyyy.

I feel like I'm getting old. I know I felt this way two years ago, but now I feel it for different reasons, I guess. I think I am going to cut back on the alcohol. Not quit drinking, obviously, but save it for occasions, unless it is a single glass of wine. One glass of wine after a long day at class/work won't hurt. When it's not a single glass of wine, definitely cut wayyyy back. A glass of wine is 2 WW points. And while I am only semi-doing WW and mostly am just editing my diet and making time to exercise, you know, it's like 114 calories a glass.

I am worried Cognition and Pat C. Hoy II, god among men, 's class will kick my ass. Also ASL 4 is going to be tough. Treatment of Childhood Mental Illness might be my easiest class. WEIRD.

We will make it, though.

New York, here I come!