my life right now.

Weird nights with kids I wouldn't be friends with if I were in New York. Drinking cheap beer in Peter's Canyon. Shitty job market made shittier I really think by the fact that I am not what is expected of a 20 year old white girl in Orange County - not blonde or thin, and I don't talk like a valley girl. Horrible dreams where I am looking for something, always questing - I slid down some ice and broke my fucking nose in the last one, no joke. Watching my mom and dad fight about moving to Colorado, leaving my mom crying because she doesn't want to leave her family, especially my grandpa, who has cancer, and leaving my dad silent and really fucking pissed... but we're not moving.

At the end of a 40 minute phone conversation with a kid who hates talking on the phone, Jon and I talked very very briefly about what would happen if the whole visiting thing actually happened - would it be a casual, friends with benefits kind of deal, would we be considering dating, blah blah blah. After the conversation he sat down and wrote a poem about fish sex. I think this is proof that we belong together for at least a little bit, but I also thing the whole long distance thing is kind of doomed, so we'll see.

Also, prop 8 - what the hell?! I can't believe something so disgusting has been permitted to stay a law. I am not an eloquent woman, and I really can't even formulate words to describe how saddened I was to hear that so many of my friends are still being treated like second-class citizens and second-class humans, but also because there are people in the world who believe that it's right, which I think is even sadder.

Conclusion: Should have stayed in New York. No question. I would have had 3 part-time jobs and no school, saving some cash. The only reason I came home was to save my parents some money, which is great and in that respect I am really glad I am... but I also came home to get a job and save that cash for me for when I go to Prague, and right now, even with my resume sent to like 40 places, it's really not looking so hot.

wednesday's adventure.

Wednesday was a great day. I went to lunch with a buddy of mine from Camp, Jill. It was so nice to see her, and my friends who also volunteer at Camp, Dani and Shaun, once more, after my 4 months in New York. It was really nice. Camp is happening in 30-something days and I could not be more THRILLED! I need to get some costumes and fanfare going for our theme (a surprisingly tricky one) disco/rock star. We'll see how this goes haha. And I know they haven't paired buddies yet, but... I WANNA KNOW WHO MY BUDDY IS SO I CAN MAKE US MATCHING SHIRTS. I am still crossing my fingers for Theresa, whom I've never had before but is AMAZING, or for one of the millions of new buddies we are rumoured to be getting this year. Yvonne apparently is the biggest baller on this planet, other than the great Diane, love of my Camplife.

My g-bf Josh and I had an epic adventure to see my other love, Ben Folds, in LA. SO GREAT. We encountered a very flamboyant Latino businessman who encouraged us to use the passing train as a backdrop for a picture; we rode the Metrolink for the very first (and possibly last) time; we ate at a Mexican restaurant called Tidal Wave, which featured pizza, burgers, salads, and sandwiches; we made friends near us at the Ben Folds concert, Percy (real name Ian) and Jim (real name Steve); WE SAW BEN FOLDS. Also, Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban were randomly there - what the fuck? - but we rolled with it. Josh Groban sang "Still Fighting It," which was interesting, but I don't really support it. Only Ben should sing that song, not an opera-pop bastard. Not that I don't think Josh Groban is kind of a baller, because he is, and he's very physically attractive, so that's helpful.

Ben was amazing. AND HE PLAYED BITCHES AIN'T SHIT EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T PLAY IT ANYMORE. I almost died of joy. It was wonderful.

Also... in an interesting power struggle between my parents, Josh was first relegated to sleep in the living room. I argue against this but am finally resigned. Then my mother returns from within she and my father's bedroom to say, "Would it be easier if he slept in your room?" And I was like, "YES." And she was like, "But on the floor, right?" Let me preface this by saying that I have a queen-sized bed, have shared a twin-sized bed with this kid before, and... oh yeah... HE LIKES MEN SO WE'RE CLEARLY NOT HAVING SEX. Super awkward. I am pretty sure my dad said something to her like, "Who gives a fuck, Peggy, let the little fag sleep in her huge bed. Jesus Christ she's 20 years old and tattooed, for shit's sake."

In other news... my tattoo is healing nicely and my gladiator sandals come up perfectly to juuuust below it; my family may or may not be moving to Colorado at the end of the summer; I think I have interviews with Macy's and Cherry On Top frozen yogurt next week (YES! A JOB!); and tonight my friend and I are driving up to UCLA to be silly for her birfday, the big 2-0.

saturday.

I got a tattoo, and Jon is graduated. Epic day. It's a puzzle piece with little puzzle pieces making it up - my own little symbol for autism just above my ankle.

:)

Jon graduates tomorrow :) We talk every single fucking day and it's pretty nice, albeit extremely long-distance for the entire forseeable future, espesh if I go to Prague. But it's nice and he's nice.

That's all I wanted to say.

pacific standard.

I have come to realize that I despise the Pacific Standard Time Zone. It is almost 8 o clock here, but my lucky brethren on the East Coast have 11 pm! What the fuck! I want to go to bed, son! And I know what you're thinking... if you want to go to bed, go to bed, Liz. Well, I tried that, smartass. If I go to bed at 9:30, I will have really awkward sleep patterns, nightsweats, and bad dreams. Tonight I have to make myself last til 11 - which is 2 am in New York and Pennsylvania, where all the important people live! Jon will maybe be awake that late, but I mean, I don't know, and do I really want to interrupt his last night of college drinking? (As I text him...)

So far, being home is pretty boring, but I am also pretty sure that I have lost some weight, which is cool. The job market is a fucking bitch and I don't really know if I will get a job, to be perfectly honest, though I am hoping I get just one fucking call. I will work ANYWHERE.

There was a weird fucking party last week that I ended up at with a girl I've known since I was 4, though we didn't go to the same high school, and randomly, a bunch of kids who actually did go to my high school but never talked to me were there. It was weird because they hardcore hit on my friend, talked to me like we were buddies, and were actually nice. It was also weird because one of them apologized for being a douchebag in high school (which he kinda was, but it's not like I was losing any sleep over it), and the other one told me he thought I was so mellow in class I must have been a huge stoner, only for me to inform him that I was probably buzzed on my Special Coffee. A rando kid told me about how his parents were really rich and walked me home and kissed me for about a nanosecond, mostly because my friend had turned him down (and slapped him). I actually had an entourage of 4 drunk people walking me home, passing a bottle of Jaeger: that rando kid, an ex male cheerleader from my school who apparently will "hook up with anything with a pulse," a girl he was trying to score with, and the nice kid from my high school whose 21st birthday it was.

But yeah so I've been hanging out with that girl a lot and I had lunch with my best girl today, who is leaving me for Boston and then Paris until July, and that was nice. If I can find a motherfucking job, maybe I will survive.

Cool thing: I ended up apparently doing really well on the last essay for my writing class, and my professor put it in the stack for consideration by way of committee for this book NYU puts out every year called Mercer Street, which is essentially the "good" essays for a particular year written by the students and then they make next year's freshmen read them in their required writing class. Pretty cool, I guess. I don't know if mine is in or not, but at least I know I got an A in that class.

the golden state.

Well, that's it, I'm home. So far, it's good. My parents are really excited to see me. My mom bought me a 12-pack of Harp, my favourite favourite beer... though, she does not really know, due to various circumstances, I can only drink like... one per evening. That's fine. My dad wants to help me finish it. And my dad is making scallops and halibut for Mother's Day. Wondrous! 

I slept 12 hours last night. Wondrous!

Packing didn't go as optimally as planned. I had to leave a lot of stuff for Erica and her parents to throw out for me because I just didn't have room for all that stuff in my life... or in my suitcases. It's okay. Everything is going to be fine. I'm trying not to dwell on it.

I started reading Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs on the plane yesterday - I know, I'm years behind the times, but let's be realistic, when it first hit shelves in 2003, I was... oh, yeah, 14. I think I'm in love with Chuck Klosterman. No big deal.

I also have been researching some Clinical Psychology MA and Ph.D/PsyD programs in New York and Boston. I have found a few that I really like, Ph.D/PsyD-wise. A cool MA program is much easier to find. So far the schools that have both that I think would be a good fit are at the New School, Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, and Pace. MSPP has a concentration in Child, Adolescent, and Family Psychology, which is awesome. And Northeastern... they're not accredited yet and I think they only offer Counseling Psychology, but they also have a cool interdisciplinary thing on Early Intervention with kids with developmental disabilities... which is like my life's dream to do, so that's also something to look into.

I also have been trying (and thus far failing, but it hasn't even been one day) to find a job here in California. I don't need a job working with people with disabilities - I'm totally fine working at a coffee place. I just need regular work and regular income.

My mom and my sisters are going shopping. My sister is graduating from high school soon, so we all have to get dresses and blahblahblah. Actually, I'm fine on dresses... but I need a pair of flats, so I am just going for the shoes. 

also... woops.

Today I realized that I have legitimately gained the freshman fifteen but during sophomore year, so starting Wednesday -- aka the day after Cinco de Drinko with the sign language lovers -- I am going low carb and mostly quitting drinking and going to the gym again regularly. I did low carb in high school and it was pretty effective, since I am no longer 200 pounds, so I am thinking that this could be good. Get the extra 15 off and then keep going from there, since it's not like I'm a small girl. It's gonna happen. It's gonna be great. Lots of egg whites. Lots of chicken breast. Lots of fish. Lots of spinach. I'm going to look way better.

Now... if only I can get through this essay, the packing, and my last exam...

this is how i feel.

For weeks I have been looking forward to going home to California. This semester -- this year, really -- has been a rough one, a growing one, and I am tired and I need to get out of New York and away from being stressed out all the time. I need a good night's sleep, multiplied about 100 times, I need it to be warm, I need to not worry about money, I need the fresh fruit and veggies that are never as delicious here.

Right?

I had my last day of volunteering at the JCH today, and even though this is like, the least-involved of my jobs, it was pretty weird to say bye to it and to the people, who asked me back for next fall, and I might even get paid, depending on the time span of the session. I feel like I have such a full, fucking intense, multidimensional world here, my jobs, the people I work with, many groups of friends, many career-related associations now, and even just the different areas of New York City that I have frequented in the past two years. I've worked in Harlem, the Bronx, Brooklyn, the Upper West Side, Midtown. I have friends who live in Gramercy, the West Village, Stuy-town, Little Italy, Chinatown, Brooklyn, and Alphabet City.

I think next summer, even though I am going to Prague in the spring, I am going to live in New York, with a short jaunt home to go to Camp. I want to make this world my home and I also want to learn to live here without getting so tired and without wanting to run home for a break. I think I will appreciate California this summer, though. I have a lot to look forward to. Camp Re-Creation, for the fifth year, an anatomy class with Eric, hopefully having lots of hours at a job I at least semi-enjoy, getting my drivers license, casual beers with friends, chilling out in the sun.

I am trying to look forward to everything everything everything. Cross your fingers that it works!

hot mess.

Lately I have been going out a LOT. Lots of drinking, lots of gibberish, lots of giggling, lots of dumbassery.

Tonight... LADY GAGA. I am dressed as a slutty disco ball. Shit's about to get real.