oh no.

My anxiety has been getting worse from being so busy and being worried all the time about not being good at my jobs because I should be good at them because I've been working with these populations for years and years and this is supposed to be my future career but I don't think I'm very competent and I wouldn't be hired at these jobs if these people who hired me knew what my home life was like and there is such a huge fucking disconnect I am supposed to be nice and patient and kind everywhere and I'm just not nice or kind or patient I am an asshole and I'm weird and I'm an alcoholic and I'm worried about class especially writing because everyone else is a very good writer and I am not and the cowboy is there and he knows I'm kind of a moron but today I decided I have to stop drinking before class and work. Only in the evenings and only a little bit and only after I have done every single thing that I need to do.

Which may mean that I never drink again because I am always so busy or tired.

I gave my mom the number on the hospital bill like weeks ago but she said it's the wrong one but I don't know where the bill is and I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I had to take my friend to the hospital because he was really sick and he is a transfer student and he doesn't really have anyone else. We were there for 5 hours and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and he was freaking out and eventually they just told him that if it got worse, he should come back, but if not, go home and rest.

Everything feels like it's stacking higherhigherhigher in my head and I am alone with a sleeping stoner girl who has to smoke weed to get herself to do just about anything and then doesn't end up doing it but takes a nap and I need a drink I need a drink I need a drink.

I feel like I am going to throw up.