okay again.

So after being massively ill since Tuesday afternoon, unable to eat without horrible consequences, the worst headache of my nineteen years of life, fevers, etc. I am now feeling decently well enough, which is perfect, as the more-demanding of my jobs, the babysitting one, is this afternoon.

After Monday being a shitshow for various reasons and then being plunged into the plague, I was starting to wonder if I had terrible karma. It's a possibility I haven't yet ruled out, but it also gave me some time to think about who and what are really important to me, and who and what haven't been important to me for quite some time, or if their importances have changed.

For instance, acid hips. SO over it. Have been for months. The only thing I needed to drive the thing home was him berating me and being really mean to me for something I still don't even know or understand. It actually felt pretty good to be able to tell him I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, that I have a life, and I'm sorry he heard whatever he heard, because that must have sucked to hear, but it's not true.

The cowboy. We're friends. That's all I want.

I am starting to think I'm asexual, actually. I have been really pretty uninterested in men, generally, for the past two weeks or so. I don't know. I don't know anyone whom I would want to date, I guess, and I'm tired of looking or convincing myself that one of my acquaintances actually would be great for me. I'm feeling fine with being alone for a good long time.

I also feel like I really have such regard and love for my friends, and I watch the way Erica is with hers... or at least, the ones who smoke with her. I feel like they become vehicles of weed for her, with annoying personalities attached. She was more mad at acid hips for what he said to me than I was, but the next night, he was in my bedroom, smoking her up. She calls them names behind their backs, but is all down to hang out if there's weed. It makes me a little sad. It makes me wonder what she tells people about me. I don't know. I like the way my relationships are. At least they're based on a connection, even if they are between two very fucked-up people, which often, they are. But I guess that is the relationship between me and her, seeing as I don't really smoke weed, given that I'm an alcoholic and I don't like to mix, so I shouldn't really worry about her relationships with other people, as long as ours is okay.

As I've said, I've had a lot to think about, and I was really sad for a while, but I think I am finally okay.